I don”t do this often and maybe I should do it more. These past few days I decided to count my blessings (and there are many) rather than look on the dark side. The main goodness happening right now is with my youngest daughter. She is feeling so much better, is back at work, and functioning yet once again.
After two failed pregnancies (the latter being the worst) and the loss of her mother-in-law, I didn’t think my daughter would ever stop crying. She and I spent many hours just hugging each other. Sometimes, that’s all a mother can do for her child. I have to say that the most heart wrenching thing a mother (me) could experience was listening to her youngest daughter cry out in pain and say: “Where is my baby? Where is my son? Where is my baby boy?”
Just writing those words, have been painful, yet once again. My daughter was suffering from the loss of her baby boy. And I was suffering also from the loss of my future grandson. My daughter wanted nothing to do with God! She said if she heard the words “It’s God’s will” one more time, she was going to scream.
What do you say to someone who was blaming God for everything? What does a mother say to her child? I found the answer during one of my daily walks. I came upon a tree that was surrounded in pine cones, acorns and seeds. Now, it would be ridiculous if ALL those seeds took root. There would be no more room for anyone else if hundreds of trees grew in that spot. Only a few seeds will take root, become strong, grow and prosper. What if we humans were like those trees? Doesn’t ‘only the strong survive’ apply to us too? My daughter seemed to understand this explanation and perhaps it helped her in her healing process. I don’t know.
In any event, my daughter is back at work, back to caring for her own daughter (who now has become even more precious!) and back to preparing dinner and cleaning. My daughter asked me to come help her start a de-cluttering project. It was time to get rid of some old baby clothes and baby items she had been storing. “If I need this stuff in the future, I will buy it again‘. Our project together was self-healing. Sometimes tidying up your home, clearing your apartment of clutter, preparing a few home cooked meals can make a world of difference in your healing process.
My SIL finally came out of his office. He had barricaded himself in there when he found out his mother died. As well as his son. The burden must have been too hard for him to bear. But he is out and about now. We can carry on a conversation. He ordered take-out for all of us. We all sat down and ate a meal together. All I can do is listen and understand. All I can do is hug them both and let them know I’m a mere phone call away.
Other things I am grateful for is my own good health and the good health of my husband. He seems to be adapting well to his new prognosis and is taking the extra steps necessary to preserve the status of his two aneurysms. I have no idea what fear he must be feeling or the knowledge that his life might not be as long as he would have liked. But I’m thinking about today. I’m not going to think about tomorrow. Everything is fine today. We have much to be thankful for and that is what I am going to concentrate on.
We made the financial adjustments to our new standard of living. I was a wee bit angry at first (the typical ‘why me’ syndrome). When you come to the realization, however, that we two have much to be thankful for, then that is all that matters. For now, in the middle of the night, when I reach over, DH is with me. If I cry out in the night, someone is there to hear.
God has blessed us with much. We’ve all been through a rough patch but we made it to the other side. I may not understand everything but I do feel at peace with it all. I hope I am a blessing to my youngest daughter, my SIL, my granddaughter and my husband. My daughter’s FIL wrote me a very touching note thanking me for the kind words I said about his now deceased wife. Words can mean a lot. At least I have the courage to speak them.
Live well and prosper, my friend. Live well and prosper.