Friends and family will once more sit down to a feast and, once more, they will be tongue-tied. You’re a smart person!. Your families and friends look to you to be wise and profound. At the very least you should be entertaining with your stories and insights.
Here are 10 things on what NOT to say as you all sit around the dinner table this Thanksgiving Holiday.
1. Whatever you do, do NOT mention President Donald J. Trumps’ name. To do so, you enter The Twilight Zone at your own risk. If there’s a sure fire method to rile up every single person at your dinner table, including your deaf 92 year old Aunt Mable or your three year old Suzie, pronouncing the word ‘Trump’ as either a noun or a verb will get you into deep doo doo:
trump; trumped; trumping; trumps
B : to play a trump on (a card or trick) when another suit was led
2. Do NOT
discuss the most recent photo release Trump tweeted out today, the day before Thanksgiving.
In fact, it’s best for the next 24 hours NOT to discuss any of the 73,456,983,289,205,401 tweets Trump sent out only this past year.
Sylvester Stallone’s wife has threatened to sue the Trump Administration under the Federal Indecency laws for placing his head on her husband’s perfectly toned (yet 20 years younger) body. Ever since Mrs. Stallone has seen this image, she has not been able to eat, sleep nor have sex with her husband Sylvester. Sly has already met with his own team of attorneys. Apparently his children are having sleep issues and nightmares.
Best to keep your mouth shut on this recent disaster till after the New Year IMHO.
3. Do NOT
talk about Kanye West’s new miracle conversion onto Christianity
. Kanye West made a recent appearance at televangelist Joel Osteen’s Mega Houston Texas Church (don’t talk about Joel either!) proclaiming that Jesus has cured his bipolarism. The ‘Jesus Is King’ rapper made the following profound statement during his 20 minutes of television glory:
“I know that God’s been calling me for a long time and the devil’s been distracting me for a long time,” Kanye said before a crowd of about 17,000 at Osteen’s church. “When I was in my lowest points, God was there with me and sending me visions and inspiring me, and I remember sitting in the hospital at UCLA after having a mental breakdown, and there’s documentations of me drawing a church and writing, ‘Start a church in the middle of Calabasas.’”
Any mention of Kanye or Joel at the dinner table may inspire a plate of stuffing shoved down your throat. Move on.
4. Do NOT brag to your family how much money you made in the stock market these past three years. See Number 1, as up above. There’s only one reason and one reason alone as to why the stock market is doing so well. Wall Street has been trumped. Keep your mouth AND wallet shut.
5. Do NOT under any circumstances discuss your recent medical problems with your family nor make any requests to ask your family if what you’ve been diagnosed with is hereditary or otherwise. Do not discuss your medical insurance, your deductible increases, the medical finance burdens you must now endure and when is Medicare For All going to be enacted. If you haven’t had a heart attack before Thanksgiving talking about anything to do with the medical profession, if you discuss America’s Health Insurance crisis at the holiday dinner table, you will surely will have a heart attack now. Have a local ambulance phone number added to your iWatch’s contact list.
6. Do NOT ask anyone at the Thanksgiving Dinner table their age. Please don’t tell Aunt Mable she looks ‘good for her age‘. Although you may be proud to have lived to the ripe old age you are, the person sitting across the table might be depressed about aging. Don’t ask anyone’s age or discuss the act of getting older. If you’re not into crying fits don’t let any of the younger kids know they’re growing up like weeds (especially if they like to light up before a good meal or they’re secretly vaping).
7. Do NOT talk about the price of anything. Do NOT mention tariffs, taxes or inflation. Do NOT discuss the price nor cost of the Thanksgiving dinner, especially what was paid for an organic, free range, gluten-free, paleo and/or keto approved yard bird, otherwise known as ‘The Turkey’.
8. Do NOT talk about sports, your home team, your score card or anything to do with Colin Kaepernick. If asked at the Thanksgiving Dinner table if you would like a racist slice of white or dark meat, a sexually biased breast or a leg, whatever you do, do NOT ask to take a knee. Trust me, you’ll be taking it on the chin if any of your fellow dinners are conservative activists. Or follow Number 1, as listed above.
9. Do NOT bring up old unhappy feelings, old unresolved arguments or long term family issues at the holiday dinner table. At least not while you’re eating. Wait till after dessert is but a fond memory. If it means you have to sit on the opposite side of the dinner table, or worse yet, at the kid’s table, then so be it. There’s nothing you can do now to resolve past issues, so it’s best to just open your mouth only to insert all that good food into it.
10. Do NOT
discuss anything to do with any Democrat. Past or present. Whatever you do, don’t discuss this painting of Bill Clinton, dressed up as a woman, that was found hanging in the front study of convicted sex-offender, Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City pedophile apartment. Don’t discuss this photo nor pass the photo around the dinner table. Oh and yes, don’t discuss Jeffrey Epstein at all if you can help it. Don’t talk about Epstein’s alleged murder/suicide and the allegations he ran a sex trafficking ring along with Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew. Oops, the sparks (or turkey wings) would be flying across the table right about now. Aunt Mable would be hiding the kids under the table!
Relax During the Holiday
Thanksgiving is a time to relax. You’ve worked hard all year, you’ve traveled hard to arrive at your holiday destination. Take a deep breath and try to enjoy the day and enjoy the company of your family and friends. Open your mouth only to insert food into it.
Don’t forget that there is no such thing as perfection when you’re dealing with people—even the closest of family and friends. The reason you’re all together on this special day is to give thanks for all of your blessings, and this includes relationships. If something happens, like a food burns or someone makes a rude comment, try to laugh it off. The memories will be much more pleasant if you don’t let drama ruin your holiday.
For other holiday drama tips, click here.